Most relationships I encounter in my office are suffering from a lack of trust. I think everyone is asking the question, “can I trust you to do right by me?” By the time most have arrived in counseling, the answer to that question is probably a “I’m not sure” or Read more…
Evil is not in itself a thing or an entity. It’s the absence of an entity. Kind of like there is no such thing as cold — cold is the absence of heat. Evil is the absence of good. It will consume the good in those that let it. Evil Read more…
Some people will ask (aka demand) that you jump through certain hoops to prove that you are sincere, loyal, or committed to them. These requests come from very insecure or threatened people, and are done so to control and manipulate you. The problem is that early on in the relationship the Read more…
From the late Irish poet John O’Donohue: “Humans have an uncanny ability to domesticate everything they touch. Eventually, even the strangest things become absorbed into the routine of the daily mind with its steady geographies of endurance, anxiety, and contentment. Only seldom does the haze lift, and we glimpse for Read more…
When we talk about ourselves or others as being “broken,” we begin to treat them like an object to be fixed, not a Subject to be known. We are people with stories and souls, not an object to be used. Objects are made to do things. A vase holds flowers. Read more…
The way we heal the wounds in our lives is to tell the story. Tell the story of your harm over and over again until you are no longer limited and harmed by what has happened. This is the essence of therapy … to become familiar with our own truths Read more…
Creating an environment that is “us vs them” is fine for a sports team, but when that starts showing up in organizations and family systems, you are entering the category of narcissism in the leadership. Evidence of this in organizations and families can be seen with those that have left Read more…
Several years ago there was a similar theme showing up in my office with the couples I was meeting with: The husbands porn use. Upon reflection, I spent some time writing what I thought the wives needed to know about their husbands porn use. I’ve long thought about writing a Read more…
Fundamentally we humans are all asking two questions about each other: Do you like me; and Are you going to leave me. Both questions reveal the fragility of our identity, and to what lengths we will go to to avoid the disastrous answers to those questions. These questions have been Read more…
Editors Note: This is a guest post from Marten Fadelle, clinical intern with me at my counseling practice. To learn more about Marten or to schedule a counseling appointment, visit his website here. Happy New Year! While there is much to be hopeful for, and much to be wary of, Read more…
It was spring, But it was summer I wanted,The warm days, And the great outdoors. It was summer, But it was fall I wanted,The colorful leaves, And the cool, dry air. It was fall, But it was winter I wanted,The beautiful snow, And the joy of the holiday season. It Read more…
Raise your hand if you don’t feel some twinge of anxiety about the family dynamics during the holidays. If you’re honest, you feel pretty conflicted about having your parents or siblings over for Christmas dinner, much less visiting your childhood home. And you likely feel somewhat reluctant about going to Read more…
Change: noun. A transformation or modification; alteration: Transformations happens when something, or someone, new is introduced into a relationship. Pearls grow because of bacteria entering into a clam, the Amazon rainforest gets the majority of it’s nutrients from Africa, and people transform when they accept a perspective from someone who Read more…
By Portia Nelson Chapter 1I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I fall in.I am lost … I am helpless.It isn’t my fault.It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter 2I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I pretend I Read more…
A couple weeks ago I wrote about the importance of relationships regarding the two significant outbreaks that Nashville had faced in the recent weeks. Today with our country and world seemingly at a standstill with social distancing and quarantining, worry and anxiety are spreading much like the virus itself. I’m Read more…
In the Lord of the Rings epic, JRR Tolkien brilliantly weaves in the practice of Sabbath in a number of ways. Often times this centers around food, the respite of a fire, and the sharing of stories together. Yet I think the clearest picture he presents of the Sabbath is Read more…
The majority of us are having to grapple with our ourselves in a completely different way due to the virus outbreak. Our limitations are on full display as we all try to navigate these new realities of life without activities outside the home. A good friend of mine said it Read more…
Nashville has been hit pretty hard the last two weeks with an outbreak of tornadoes and now the coronavirus. This is not to suggest we’re special as a city, but these challenges have been pretty acute for a lot of people here. These two major events have illuminated how little Read more…
Maturity is the ability to resist acting out on behalf of what one feels. One donut is amazing. Two probably isn’t as amazing, but I’m still probably going to have another one. I know from experience that three is not going to feel good in a few hours. And if Read more…
We’re all control freaks. Not just the type-A personalities, but also the B’s, C’s, and Z’s of the world. No one likes to be out of control. Those that act as though they don’t care about being in control are just practicing an apathetic version of control. My barber laughed Read more…
Narcissism is a word that is thrown around a lot, especially in attempts to describe certain world leaders currently in office. Despite how common of a term it is, it’s difficult to know, with certainty, that someone we are in a relationship with is a narcissist. To a certain extent, Read more…
When my kids were younger, they would often complain of not having anything to do. It was tempting to spring into action, and give them a project or some kind of entertainment to quiet their boredom. At some point in those early parenting years, we stumbled onto something together: Boredom Read more…
The problem of our life is almost never the real problem. The real problem is what we are doing in response to our problems. We blame. Point fingers. Yell. Throw things at others, words mostly. We cheat, and steal, and lie. We manipulate. Shade the truth. We get hyper vigilant Read more…
Every day on the way to my office, I drive past a massive mound of dirt that has been excavated from a nearby building site. This pile is enormous and for several weeks it kept growing in size. At some point the mound stopped growing and the makers planted grass Read more…
Christmas is upon us, and I wonder how you are doing in it all. Rarely do I interact with people about the holidays and they share stories of rest as a main experience. Most say quite the opposite. There’s not enough time. Time is flying by this season. It’s so Read more…
I’m sure you’ve heard someone say it, or perhaps that someone has been you, “I’m so afraid of the unknown.” If you take a step back and consider that statement, it sounds pretty silly. How is it that you can be afraid of something you have yet to know? The Read more…
Life is full of comparison. Babies are born, measured, weighed, and immediately placed in comparison with all the other records of babies born, “she’s 7 pounds 2 ounces, which is in the 67% percentile”. Kids are measured at school based on test scores, and parents participate by asking their kids to be Read more…
There is a difference in the knowledge of reading about something, and the knowledge of experiencing something. It’s the difference between the knowing in our heads and knowing from the heart. If you’ve been to the Grand Canyon, you know with your whole being the expanse of it all. There Read more…
Empathy is the ability to imagine (or understand) what someone else is experiencing in their life. Authentic empathy is a huge ingredient in a close and impactful relationship. But how do we develop empathy? A quick Google search revealed pages and pages of tips for developing empathy, such as “Three Read more…
Book Review for QBQ. The Premise: If you’re asking the wrong questions, you’re not going to be able to solve the problems correctly. Personal accountability is achieved when we ask “what” and “how,” not “why” and “who.” Marriages thrive when those involved take responsibility by asking the correct questions about their Read more…