This is a great statement from Virginia Satir about the demands of love: “One of the truly basic problems is that our society bases the marital relationship almost completely on love and then imposes demands on it that love can never solely fulfill. If you love me you won’t do Read more…
What were you like when you were 13 years old? How were you as a kid when conflict happened in the family? Where did you go and what did you do to feel safe? What was your role in the family surrounding conflict? Sometimes when conflict happens, we can become Read more…
Relationships are like muscles, if we exercise them, they will grow (even if we don’t see that growth). Marriage takes work, and will not naturally grow on it’s own. In fact, left alone, a marriage will shrivel up and die. It takes consistent time and energy much like your muscles. Read more…
Couples that avoid hurt from happening (or the hurt that has already happened) are preventing intimacy from developing. No one really enjoys being hurt, and being hurt is a part of all close intimate relationships. It’s going to happen. The difficulty is in viewing pain as though it is a Read more…
Before I release a pre-marital couple to the wild world of marriage, I challenge them to adopt two words (concepts) as cornerstones for their marriage: Grace and Gratitude. Here’s why. Showing grace implies forgiveness, acceptance, and a belief that your spouse is a better man/woman than what the offending action Read more…
Christmas is upon us, and I wonder how you are doing in it all. Rarely do I interact with people about the holidays and they share stories of rest as a main experience. Most say quite the opposite. There’s not enough time. Time is flying by this season. It’s so Read more…
I’m sure you’ve heard someone say it, or perhaps that someone has been you, “I’m so afraid of the unknown.” If you take a step back and consider that statement, it sounds pretty silly. How is it that you can be afraid of something you have yet to know? The Read more…
Life is full of comparison. Babies are born, measured, weighed, and immediately placed in comparison with all the other records of babies born, “she’s 7 pounds 2 ounces, which is in the 67% percentile”. Kids are measured at school based on test scores, and parents participate by asking their kids to be Read more…
There is a difference in the knowledge of reading about something, and the knowledge of experiencing something. It’s the difference between the knowing in our heads and knowing from the heart. If you’ve been to the Grand Canyon, you know with your whole being the expanse of it all. There Read more…
Empathy is the ability to imagine (or understand) what someone else is experiencing in their life. Authentic empathy is a huge ingredient in a close and impactful relationship. But how do we develop empathy? A quick Google search revealed pages and pages of tips for developing empathy, such as “Three Read more…
Book Review for QBQ. The Premise: If you’re asking the wrong questions, you’re not going to be able to solve the problems correctly. Personal accountability is achieved when we ask “what” and “how,” not “why” and “who.” Marriages thrive when those involved take responsibility by asking the correct questions about their Read more…
Depending on the age difference, kids test out their emotions on their siblings. Kids yell, hit, scream, cry, manipulate, shut down, lie, cheat, steal, and pout. They are working out how to be in relationships with themselves and the people they live with. These tests are pretty safe to run, Read more…
If you want to be in relationships, you have to learn how to do conflict. One of my mentors, Dan Allender, says it well: “All good communication leads to conflict.” Most of us believe that good communication will lead to consensus, not conflict. The word “communicate” comes from the Latin Read more…
Some time ago a friend asked me to help him sort through some technology issues with his phone and computer. My first career, and past hobby, was in technology so it came as no surprise that he’d asked for my help. After we’d finished the project, he said thank you Read more…
Yesterday I wrote about why couples need to keep dating after they marry. Sometimes it’s been so long since a couple has had a meaningful conversation, they’ve forgotten how to do so. When I say “forgotten” I don’t mean that they (or you, if this describes your relationship) don’t know how Read more…
After a couple marries, one of the first things to go in their relationship is dating. Most couples stop the very thing that helped them fall in love in the first place. And from a rational standpoint, it makes a lot of sense. Before you got married, you had separate Read more…
The next time you find yourself in conflict with your spouse, take your shoes off. Seriously. Conflict in your marriage is holy ground. It’s where our life story shows up at a primal, non-verbal level. Our bodies remember things our words can’t describe. We offer silence and respect when entering Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships.Day 1: The Gratitude JarDay 2: Gratitude PrayerDay 3: Gratitude LetterDay 4: A Touch of Gratitude The Lifestyle of Gratitude Step 12 in the Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. Day 1: The Gratitude JarDay 2: Gratitude PrayerDay 3: Gratitude Letter A Touch of Gratitude Often the way our brain works can get in Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. Day 1: The Gratitude JarDay 2: Gratitude Prayer Gratitude Letter John Gottman says that it takes five positive interactions to counteract every one negative Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships.Day 1: The Gratitude Jar Gratitude Prayer & Meditation Sometimes gratitude in marriage is impossible to find. In these times we need more help Read more…
In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. Gratitude Jar “Love keeps no record of wrongs” is way easier to say, than to do. Keeping a rolodex of what has gone Read more…
Most people who have not done significant spiritual or relational work do not know how to do conflict well. Invariably, we will unconsciously adapt our conflict styles to what we were exposed to in our childhood homes. The saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” is true here, Read more…
You don’t walk into a peace treaty meeting with a machine gun. And if you do, the meeting quickly changes from a peace treaty to a tense stand off. One wrong move, and there will be a mess. We all have weapons that we have access to use when we Read more…
There is a difference in the knowledge of reading about something, and the knowledge of experiencing something. It’s the difference between the knowing in our heads and knowing from the heart. If you’ve been to the Grand Canyon, you know with your whole being the expanse of it all. There Read more…
On my walk to the restroom the other day I was preoccupied with an email I’d just received. During my walk I was mulling over my response, or if I needed to respond at all. I was completely unaware of my surroundings, walking towards the restroom on auto-pilot. I turned Read more…
This particular passage from Henri Nouen has been very helpful for me lately. We often mistake the limitations of others as a judgement of our own value. In doing so, we miss an opportunity to sacrificially love and care for these people in our life. “You keep listening to those Read more…
A millionaire who gives away $100 does not experience the same sacrifice as a factory worker who gives the same amount. It’s easy for someone wealthy to give away a few bucks, it’s not that significant of a cost to them. There is not much sacrifice when we give what Read more…
We tend to think about assets in terms of financial perspectives. How do we spend, invest, or save our money? Do we launder our money? How do I/we increase our financial assets? These, among others, are financial questions that every marriage deals with. Even if you’re not asking those questions, Read more…
Criticism without hope will lead to contempt.Criticism with hope will spawn creativity. It’s way easier to give the criticism than to receive it, but we all need helpful, loving, critical feedback in order to grow and change. We can be more receptive to hearing critical feedback if we feel secure, Read more…