Last week I wrote about the allure of Porn. As a therapist, I’ve interacted with hundreds of men, women, and teenagers about their sexuality and porn usage. They all desire sexual wellness but struggle to know how to find it. In working with them, there are three things that always Read more…
The best explanation I have heard for shame is a simple acronym: Should Have Already Mastered Everything It’s the feeling that tells us to figure things out on our own. Don’t ask for help. Don’t admit weakness or needs. Keep the facade up, act like you know what the topic of conversation is about. Shame Read more…
The Viewpoint Life FulfillmentResearch from the “Pew Research Center” is almost always engaging, but the most recent study is really fascinating. Take a look at the below graph: Work is the #1 means to a fulfilling life for both men and women. I’m not surprised that men and women flip Read more…
When we talk about having confidence we’re usually referring to the feeling of being steadfast, solid, or steady in our decision/statement. We also use the word to describe telling someone something private or secret that we ask them to keep “in confidence.” Confidence comes from the Latin word which means to act Read more…
Each day is full of potential. Usually this “potential” is beyond what we know to be possible. Potential successes. Potential failures. We sometimes wake up with great expectations, and other times with great dread. But we all wake up in the same position: Unable to change time. We can’t make Read more…
The word “comfort” comes from the Latin word which means “strengthen greatly.” We use this word to describe relief from distress more so than strength in our distress. In Western culture, the majority of us have a variety of “things” that are comfortable. Comfort food. Comfortable shoes. A comfy sweatshirt. Read more…
The allure and promise of porn is simple. It’s about acceptance. It tugs at our need to be saved. Rescued. Our need for salvation. Porn says, “You can come as you are. You are welcome here. Alone. Tired. Afraid. Ashamed. No problem, You’re ok here.” Usually not really knowing what Read more…
Pressure shows up two ways in relationships: Couples who put pressure on each other, and couples who have been have been pressure treated together. It’s the difference between an insecure relationship and a secure one. Insecure relationships put a lot of pressure to “say or get it right” because the Read more…
When you’ve been alive for only five thousandeight hundredand twenty-nine days. The pathways are rarely clearhere wherethe roads keep changing. What makes senseon one daymakes nosense the next. And soto avoid exhaustionand to deepen restask yourself these questions.How would you describe today?And Have you seen anything interestingon the way?And Is it working?Is it Read more…
The only way finances can work in marriage is if it’s laundered first. Yes, you read that right. Launder your money. Clean it of ownership, of claim. Too many couples have split their financial assets, bank accounts, and credit cards. A relationship based on earning says, “what’s yours is yours, Read more…
Practice makes progress, not perfection. Voltaire said it so well, “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” We are all in process. Not fully baked. Not quite done. Some of us are almost, but not yet there. We are all learners in different stages of our own growth process. Read more…
Words are a gift for us to use with wisdom. Some of us have a lot of them, some of us don’t have all that many. We use language to express thoughts, feelings, desires, ideas, and hopes. They are not all we have to communicate with, but they are the Read more…
It’s easy to get a Twinkie off the shelf, and eat it. Donuts are great, too. But they are not all that good for the body. Marriages have a lot of junk food options: Blame. Contempt. Resentment. Criticism. Name calling. Silence or Stonewalling. These actions, or reactions, all taste pretty Read more…
The Viewpoint Vol 1 Issue 3 Book Review: Digital MinimalismWe are increasingly being bombarded with more and more technological inventions. Sure, some of these technologies do make life easier, but there is a lot of digital clutter in our lives. My main concern is that we’re becoming less human the Read more…
The Viewpoint Vol 1 Issue 2 Book Review: The Productive NarcissistThe Productive Narcissist is a catchy title for a book that addresses a deeply complicated topic. Michael Maccoby, the author, is a long time therapist and consultant to executive leadership teams and companies. He brings a unique understanding to the Read more…
The Viewpoint is a weekly roundup of content I have come across throughout the week that is worth reposting. This content will often be an article or a book I’ve recently read, or something else that is of cultural significance. One of my good friends talks about the word “viewpoint” Read more…
Ask any parent, and if they are honest, they will agree: Parenting is impossibly hard. As my 4 year old was running away from me one night, screaming at me as he ran, I realized why these relationships are so hard: My personal desire to be safe and comfortable is Read more…
Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front by Wendell Berry Love the quick profit, the annual raise, vacation with pay. Want more of everything ready-made. Be afraid to know your neighbors and to die. And you will have a window in your head. Not even your future will be a mystery Read more…
I ran across an article about a chess player (Adam Robinson) who was in a chess development program for teens. He spoke of playing against Bobby Fischer (one of the greatest chess players in history). In playing Bobby, he would often lose. It was this short paragraph that struck me: Read more…
Another result of kids not knowing their place, or their usefulness in the family, is low self-esteem. Low self-esteem happens for our children when we, the parents, don’t allow our children to wrestle with the normal realities of life. Making decisions for them and not allowing them to fail prevents Read more…
Below are six languages that help speak to the building of an intimate relationships. We cannot build healthy intimacy and thriving relationships without practicing some of the below ideas. As with anything in life, practice makes progress (not perfect!). Passion – This is the language of “I want and desire Read more…
The great philosopher Forrest Gump famously said, “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.” The great thing about those chocolates is that you can bite into them, and if you don’t like what you got, you can choose another one. Many people Read more…
Several years ago I attempted to grow a vegetable garden in our backyard. It was mostly an utter failure. We may have gotten 3 tomatoes and a couple of green beans. But let me tell you what, those were the best tomatoes and beans I’ve ever had! Though the production Read more…
You don’t have to have parents who were alcoholics to develop any (or a lot) of these characteristics. All of us grow up in homes with imperfect parents. We develop coping mechanisms from growing up in these sometimes “crazy” family systems. Many of these coping mechanisms are listed below. If Read more…
One of the worst things we can do to our kids is to raise them without ever asking anything of them. My kids love to remind me that none of their friends have to clean the kitchen, or do their laundry. What they don’t realize is that most of their Read more…
We tend to think about assets in terms of financial perspectives. How do we spend our money? How do we invest/save our money? These, among others, are questions that every marriage deals with. Even if you’re not asking those questions, you’re still dealing with those questions. There’s a different kind Read more…
Most of us spend so much time thinking about the wealth of our bank account, or retirement plan. What about the wealth of your marriage? There is not a more important investment in life than that of your marriage and family. Governments and economies can all disappear rendering our financial Read more…
To put it bluntly: Parenting is impossible. There is no way a flawed human can raise a non-flawed child. The goal of parenting has to be something attainable, but unfortunately most of us parent primarily out of opposition. “I don’t want ‘xyz’ for my kids…” “I hope they don’t …” Read more…
The great philosopher, Rocky Balboa, is talking to his manager Paulie. They are in the meat locker, Rocky is punching some cows, and Paulie asks him about his sister: “You really like her? I don’t get it, what’s the attraction?” “I don’t know, fills gaps I guess.” “What’s gap’s” “I Read more…
How to Fight: Strike when the iron is COLD! The heat of the moment is usually too hot. Wait for things to cool down. Smile. Use hopeful, positive language Smiling takes less facial muscles, is linked to an increased production of dopamine (the “feel good” chemical in our body), and Read more…